


All in a days work

by Nuredhel



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst and Humor, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Sexual Situations, Gen, Inappropriate Humor, Sexual Humor, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 17:06:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3736828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuredhel/pseuds/Nuredhel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elladan and Elrohir are finally being allowed to try to work as healers and they are so excited, they are finally going to save lives and do great Things. But they are to Discover that being a healer isnt all that glamorous and that it in fact can be both embarrassing and awkward...and hilarious!</p>
            </blockquote>





	All in a days work

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone working as a Doctor or nurse or paramedic will relate to these situations, warnings for some unpleasant mental images while Reading...

All in a day’s work

 

Elladan and Elrohir stood there in the courtyard of Imladris and they both were smiling, widely. Finally their father had realized that they were ready to do some real work, that they were ready to begin working as healers. They had for so long wanted to take some of the burden off their beloved ada and now he had finally given in. He was going to Lothlorien to visit Galadriel with Arwen and they were left in charge of the healing ward. Oh happy day!

Elrond did look a bit as if he was in some doubt though, he had given the other healers strict instructions regarding what the twins were allowed to do or not and he hoped that this didn’t end in disaster. But it was true that they needed to test their wings, and their skills. They had to see for themselves what a healer had to deal with and if he was there he would most certainly intervene and be unable to stay away. They needed to do this alone and he crossed his fingers and gave both his sons a real bear hug. Elladan and Elrohir were beaming with pride and he felt his heart swell with the love he felt for his sons. They were such good lads, and they were skilled although nowhere near as skilled as him. But that came with experience and he knew that at least Elrohir in time maybe could surpass even himself. He had a compassion with others that was very endearing to watch and such patience. Elladan was more impatient and he never really dove really deep into the case, that was something that made Elrond a bit worried but he knew that Elrohir would keep Elladan in check for now.

The horses were ready and the twins kissed their sister goodbye for now, she was to stay in Lothlorien for a whole year and they would miss her. Their father would return after a few weeks though, he didn’t dare to leave Imladris for too long. But he would appreciate the break, he had worked hard lately and the idea of relaxing was like a glimpse of heaven. But he couldn’t help but being a bit worried though, knowing that his beloved sons often managed to create havoc even when they were meaning to help he had ordered everybody to keep an eye on them. They couldn’t fail now, being healers was way too important to allow for any mishaps. They were dealing with the lives and health of others damn it.

He placed his hands on the shoulders of his twins, stared them in the eye. “You are sure you can manage?”

Elrohir nodded eagerly. ”Yes, of course we can ada, don’t worry. It will be fine. Erestor will take care of the administrative work and Glorfindel has got the rest. Altorno had promised to help us and so have the rest of the healers. It will be alright, we will only deal with the small things, cuts and bruises.”

Elrond nodded, he felt silly for being so worried but he couldn’t help it. He was just so scared that something bad would happen, the twins were still young and inexperienced. But he trusted his head healer Altorno with his own life and knew that the ancient ellon could run the healing ward without problems. And there hadn’t been any real challenging cases of lately so perhaps the weeks he would be gone would be peaceful ones. Yes, of course they would be, it was summer, few things happened in summer.  
He mounted his horse and the two stood there grinning. “Make me proud sons.”

They both nodded eagerly, those youthful handsome faces filled with determination and joy. They would show their worth now, and make their ada impressed. Elrond called out to the guards who were to escort them and they left the courtyard, Elladan and Elrohir stared after them until the group no longer could be seen. Elrohir was grinning from ear to ear. “Oh, this is going to be so wonderful, we are going to help people, really do a difference.”

Elladan nodded, his eyes were gleaming too, he saw himself saving lives and they both ran to the healing ward to receive their first orders.

A few hours later it wasn’t that fun anymore, Altorno had given them the not so enviable task of scrubbing surgical instruments, then they had to clean some aprons and clean some closets and the only medical thing they had been allowed to do was to put some leeches onto the leg of an old human female who had been under Elrond’s care for the last five months. She was staring at the two handsome young elves the way a hungry wolf stares at a bloody steak and Elrohir managed to keep his façade but only with a great effort. Who knew that old adenith could have such a vocabulary and be so straight forward?  
They were both exhausted when they were allowed to return to their rooms and they sat down with a glass of wine each and hoped that the next day would be better. They wanted to do some real challenging stuff, they weren’t elflings damn it.

The next day turned out to be the same as the first one, just boring things and boring work and so the days went. The glory of being a healer faded very fast, and they were given tasks not even worthy of an apprentice. Altorno didn’t trust the two twins, in his eyes they were too immature and the fact that they were the sons of their lord shouldn’t give them any privileges his other apprentices didn’t have. And there were hardly any patients at all now, just small injuries and people who needed advice regarding their health.

Then things changed, and they changed abruptly. It was early in the morning and Elladan and Elrohir had reluctantly gotten out of bed and they were getting prepared for the day when there was a loud boom heard and it came from the healing ward. Both ran to the site and were horrified to see thick black smoke coming out of the room where they kept their medicine. The other healers came running out, coughing and wheezing and some guards came running dragging Altorno behind them. He was covered with sooth and he was moaning and looked awful. Elladan and Elrohir helped getting everybody out and there wasn’t any fire, it was just a terrible smelly and stinging smoke that thankfully dissipated rather soon. The workers quickly made sure that every door and window was opened and that the whole ward was being sprayed with perfume to repel the stench.

Altorno lay there moaning, his eyes were running and he looked confused. “What happened?”

Elrohir was scared and the healer got up into a sitting position, one of the younger healers who weren’t so affected by the smoke managed to get him some equipment for rinsing his eyes. It looked painful and it probably was. “Valar curse me, I was mixing some medicine when a bottle of something fell from the windowsill and straight into the kettle, I do not know what it was but it caused everything to explode. That smoke is dangerous, it is acidic for sure.”

He was blinking and it was obvious that his eyes were far from good. “Damn it, I cannot see naught but shadows.”

Elladan saw that this could be said for almost all the healers, they had running eyes and were in pain. “What are we to do then?! Is there any medicine for this?”

Altorno sighed, he was loathe to admit it but for the rest of the day the twins would be in charge of the healing ward, they were the only healers not affected by this calamity. “The salve in the blue jar above the sink, make sure everybody has gotten their eyes covered with it and then bandaged. It has to stay on until after nightfall, remember that. We will be alright again, do not worry but the irritation has to be removed before anybody is able to return to work.”

Elrohir ran to find the salve and before long he and his brother were busy putting salve and bandages onto the eyes of every healer in the ward except themselves. Just a couple of the very young apprentices hadn’t been affected since they were out gathering herbs and they were terrified and Elrohir had to calm them down. Half of the beds were suddenly occupied and the servants were busy washing the smoke off the walls and giving the wounded new clothes. The smell disappeared but the shock wasn’t gone quite yet. Altorno was given the best bed and he sat there with his eyes covered and looked miserable, his fingers fidgeting with his blanket constantly. “Elrohir, Elladan, you are in charge here for the rest of this day, do you understand? It is all up to you, you have to treat every patient that comes in, and treat them well. Do you hear?!”

The twins stared at each other, wide eyed. Yes, finally, at last they were to be real healers and not just glorified servants. Yes!! “We understand master, we will make you proud!”

Altorno just mumbled something and leaned back against the pillows, if the Valar were merciful this would be an uneventful day. “I doubt it but remember what you have learned. And if you are uncertain about something do ask me, got it?”

Both the twins were almost trembling with excitement. “Yes master!”

Elladan and Elrohir immediately ran to the reception room to wait for their first patient, this was so exciting! They couldn’t wait to begin saving lives!  
They had to wait for two boring hours before anyone showed up, it was one of the stable workers and he was being carried by his friends. The reason wasn’t hard to spot, his left leg was broken straight off and he was swearing and sweating and using a language that made the twins blush even though they were used to the language the guards used while on patrol. “Goddamn nag, kicked me! “

Elrohir cut the pants leg off the stable hand and it was a nasty looking fracture but it wasn’t open and it was rather clean too, no loose splints of bone that could cause problems. The leg was already swollen and red and black and blue but they got it back in place while the poor ellon panted and rolled his eyes with pain. Elladan mixed some strong painkiller and Elrohir made a cast to stabilize the fracture. It was done in just half an hour and the stable hand was no longer I pain although he had to stay away from work for at least a fortnight. Elladan and Elrohir was proud of themselves, they had fixed the problem just like their ada would, with compassion and gentleness mixed with stern determination. This was great, yes, they would indeed enjoy this work.

They had just sat down to discuss the case when the doors flew open and an elleth wearing an apron and a hood over her hair came rushing in, grasping her arm looking very pale. Elladan greeted her with a courteous nod but she just frowned. “I got burned, spilled a kettle of hot water over my arm, get going then, fix it!”

Elrohir knew that pain could cause people to become rather unpleasant so he just smiled and sat down to examine the arm. It was a bad burn and he hissed and knew that this was a challenge. He gave Elladan orders to gather the needed equipment and then he gently removed the flaking skin and they put ointment onto the burn and covered it with soft bandages. They gave her a kingly dose of painkiller though, she was grinding her teeth and panting and constantly accusing them of being too rough. Elladan too knew that the elleth had to be in a lot of pain and that she was frightened and in shock so he didn’t mind being yelled at but it sort of hurt him a bit. After all, he was trying to help.

But finally they had helped her and she was told to return the next day to have the bandages changed, she was in a way better mood now that the medicine had kicked inn and she even hugged them when they bid her goodbye. That felt a bit good and they both smiled and felt as though they really had done a good job.

Half an hour later a young elleth entered carrying an elfling, the little one was squirming around and she looked red eyed and tired. “Please help me, he hasn’t slept since yesterday morning, something is bothering him.”

Elrohir loved children and he sat down with a soft smile and put the elfling onto his lap. The child immediately started to wail, loud shrieks that hurt their ears and the poor mother was twisting her hands in despair. “He is usually a very quiet child.”

Elrohir tried to keep a calm expression. “Of course, well, he is uncomfortable beyond doubt, he isn’t constipated or something like that?”

The mother shook her head. “No, absolutely not, he is normal. But I think he may be itching, he is trying to touch his head all the time.”

The elfling had very thick silky black hair and it was not very long so it did look a bit like a stack of hay after a tornado has passed through it. Elrohir felt curious and petted the soft hair and he frowned, grasped a comb from the tray of instruments and started working his way through the tangles and knots. The mother was sniffing. “He was outdoors playing with the dogs yesterday and that was when it started. “

Elrohir suddenly stopped moving, he just stared down into the toddlers scalp and Elladan knew his brother. There were few things that made his brother freeze up like this, parasites was one of those things. Elladan went over and stared down with a curious glance and he immediately felt a chill run down his spine. The scalp was teeming with fleas and lice. It was like looking at an anthill from above and Elrohir shivered visibly and choked a squeal. He hated this, absolutely hated lice. He fought the urge to throw the kid over into the mothers lad and ask her to get the hell out of there, the grin on his face was extremely stiff, he looked more like a snarling dog by now. Elladan had to step in to save the situation, he petted the mother on her shoulder in a very comforting manner. “Worry not my lady, this is easily solved. He has got lice and fleas”

The reaction was a violent one, more so than the explosion in the mixing room. “WHAT!! My son has no such things, I run a proper house, we are cleanly people, not….filthy edain!! It cannot be true you are wrong, I want a second opinion!”

Elladan smiled, he felt a bit devilish there and then. “Of course my lady, the other healers are temporarily blinded by an accident but I am sure they will confirm our diagnosis, here, take a look my lady.”

He lifted the squirming toddler back into the mothers lap and pointed at the activity going on in the toddler’s hair. “What do you think those are? Mites? Imaginary friends?”

Elrohir was shivering with relief of having gotten the kid off his lap, he was pale and breathing hard. The mother squeaked, she was suddenly pale and Elladan had to grasp the toddler before he fell of his fainted mother’s lap. Elrohir immediately took care of the elleth while Elladan put the toddler up on the top of a table and started the not so enviable task of shaving his head. It was extremely hard work since the kid was convinced that Elladan would murder him and howled like pack of orcs while squirming like a nest of snakes.  
Finally the deed was done, the hair was gone and so were the lice and Elladan threw the hair into the fireplace, lice included. He put some ointment onto the scalp to prevent further itching and then the mother came too and immediately passed out again seeing her son bald. They had to try two more times before she managed to stay awake and she was so ashamed she barely managed to look at them. Elladan just smiled gently. “Just make sure he doesn’t play with the dogs again before they have gotten their fleas and lice removed. Come to us tomorrow for some anti-lice medicine.”

The elleth left with her head hung low and Elladan had to calm Elrohir down. He felt as though there were lice crawling all over him now and he needed a huge glass of miruvor to soothe his nerves. It was disgusting!

“Easy there brother, I am sure the rest of the day will be nice.”Elladan hugged Elrohir gently and Elrohir sent him a stiff smile, eyeing the miruvor bottle once again.

They wondered how their father would have reacted to that case? He would most certainly have done a better job but the lice were gone and that was the most important thing. They sat there enjoying the peace and quiet when the door once again opened and another mother with child entered. Elrohir hissed to Elladan. “You deal with this one!”

Elladan walked forth, putting on his most compassionate expression. “How may we be of service my lady?”

The elleth smiled and patted the pretty little girl on her head, the kid looked as though it was sulking a bit. “She cannot keep her food down, she has been puking like hell the entire morning.”

Elladan lifted the kid and held her gently, patted the pretty golden hair. “Oh that is bad little one, but worry not, we will certainly help it go away now wont we?”

The little elfling nodded and sobbed and then she leaned forth and did the most impressive imitation of a fountain anyone had seen, only that it was vomit and not water. It hit Elladan straight in the face and only luck saved him from having his mouth open at that moment. It flowed down his chin and onto his robes and he just stood there, staring and blinking in utter shock. Vomit was Elladan’s Achilles heel and Elrohir chuckled and grabbed the elfling with a wry grin aimed at the sniggering mother. “Ah, vomit and children combined should have been a warning brother, now, go clean yourself off while I deal with this. I am sure she has eaten something too strong for her my lady, but we have medicine that should fix it right away.”

Elladan almost puked too, running to the bathroom to remove the soiled robes and wash himself. He was scrubbing himself until it hurt and when he returned to the reception area Elrohir was already finished treating the projectile vomiting toddler and was sitting there happily making notes of the case. He blinked at his brother. “It was just an easy case of the kid having chewed on some of her mother’s flowers, she will be alright in a few hours.”

Elladan slumped down into a chair. “So good to hear, Valar save me from any more puking kids!”

Elrohir just sniggered, vomit and feces didn’t bother him at all but his brother went pale just hearing someone retch. They just hoped that the day wouldn’t bring them any more cases like this one.

They would be on guard until after the sun went down and it was several hours until that happened, maybe the rest of the day would be quiet? They sat there almost feeling a bit drowsy when one of the edain rangers that frequented the valley entered, the man looked a bit uncomfortable and he was pale. Elrohir got interested right away, a ranger could get wounded by both orcs and wild animals, perhaps he had some wound that needed stitching or maybe something even worse than that?  
The ranger saw them and cringed, he looked as if he was ready to turn around and flee the scene and Elrohir smiled. “Yes, how may we help you?”

The man fidgeted with his hood, then he stared down before his glance started flickering all over the place. “Ah, isn’t Elrond here?”

Elladan shook his head. “No, our father is in Lothlorien for the moment, is there anything we can do for you?”

The adan sat down, ran his hands through his thick dark hair and he was blushing. “You are his sons? Right, maybe you can help me, you see…ahh…this is…awkward…”

Elrohir frowned. “We are healers, do not be afraid, we can deal with it!”

The adan nodded. “Right, you see, the case is…I visited this…girl you see, and…”

Elladan whispered to Elrohir. “He went to a brothel, I am bloody sure”

The adan didn’t understand quenya so he continued. “Well, uh…she…we…were together, and now I have gotten…something I didn’t pay for”

Elrohir cringed, they had been taught about the diseases mortal suffered from and Elrond had even given them a lesson about this type of problem, it wasn’t something the first born ever had to worry about but nevertheless, it made them squirm. “Alright then my friend, drop them and show us the problem.”

Elladan’s voice was firm and the adan got right up again and loosened his pants and let them fall without any more hesitation. The twins just stared, a bit shocked to put it nicely. “It burns ya see, when I piss, feels like I am pissing thorns or something, and it itches and …”

Elladan swallowed hard, the man couldn’t have washed his privates for weeks, he was reeking and to elves not used to body hair it was a nasty vision. “I understand, how long has it been since the…ahem… encounter with the not so innocent lass?”

The ranger cringed. “Two weeks, it wasn’t so bad until a few days ago.”

The twins exchanged a glance filled with horror and disgust but they hid it from the adan. They didn’t have to touch him to see what the problem was, one look was enough. Elrohir tried to breathe through his mouth to escape the scent of the unwashed genitalia. “Well, she gave you crabs first and foremost so you have to shave yourself and we will give you some salve to apply to the…affected area. And she also gave you gonorrhea.”

The adan went beet red. “She did? Oh that bloody whore, she swore she was clean, I didn’t have to worry she said. Promised me the best fuck ever but I am telling ya, it was like putting my pecker into an empty wine barrel, she has had her fair share of cock for sure.”

The two ellyn fought the urge to blush, they had to remain professional now, this wasn’t anything to laugh about. Every patient was to be treated with respect, even the most unpleasant ones. “I am sure you are right mellon, we do have some medicine that will take care of it but you will have to let your…tool…rest for three weeks.”

The adan sighed and rolled his eyes. “Morgoth’s balls, that is unfortunate but alright, I suppose I can rely on my trusted right hand ha?”

He tried to laugh but the two elves didn’t laugh with him, he had always believed that elves had no sense of humor, he was probably right.  
Elladan found the medicine and gave the adan the right instructions, when he left they opened the window again, gasping for fresh air. “Don’t the edain know that water can be used to wash with?”

Elrohir was leaning out of the window, taking deep breaths of air. “Apparently not! By Morgoth’s guts, he hadn’t washed his gweth for days! No wonder he got what he got”

Elladan cringed. “I would rather take an orc than the females of those houses, they are…awful.”

Elrohir nodded. “You mean infected, maybe that guy has learned but I doubt it. Mark my words, he will be back”

Elladan sat down, trying to get rid of the mental image of the adan’s hairy crotch and dripping member, he had seen a lot of nasty things in his life, that had to be the worst. “Now things can only get better right?”

Elrohir smiled. “I am sure, worry not”

 

The next patient that entered the ward was an elderly adeneth from the village just outside of the borders to Imladris, they had seen her before because she often sold mushrooms and berries to the kitchens and she was a very sweet old lady and they helped her sit down and she looked very apologetic. “I am so sorry to bother you fine young gentlemen with my problem but you see, it is so painful and I just…I cannot find any relief. I have tried everything really.”

Elladan petted her hand in a soothing manner. “So, what is it that is bothering you old one?”

The adeneth smiled, a rather toothless grin. “It is a tooth, it is aching and I cannot sleep”

Elrohir got a bit interested, he was aware of the fact that humans didn’t replace teeth that were lost or damaged as elves did. He had lost several teeth during fights but they always got replaced by new ones and Elrond had told them time over and over again that they were indeed blessed to avoid the problems the mortal were struggling with. Toothache was as painful as great injuries and just awful.  
Elladan moved his chair closer to the adeneth. “I am so sorry old one, I know toothache is very painful, what have you tried?”

The adeneth grinned again, very pleased to be met with such respect by the handsome young elves. “Oh, every trick I know of. I burned dog shit and made a paste of the ashes and put that on the tooth but that didn’t work, then I used chicken shit but that just stung. I also got some horse piss and mixed it with ground up molds and some dried herbs but it made me dizzy, and the tooth still ached.”

The twins were pale by now, as ghosts. Dog shit? Chicken droppings? That had nothing to do with medicine at all. They managed to stay calm but Elladan had a hard time believing what he had just heard. That was awful, just terrible. He sent the adeneth a faint smile. “My lady, I am sure the tooth has to come out, but worry not. We will be both swift and gentle and I will give you something for the pain.”

The adeneth looked very pleased all of a sudden. “Oh I will be very glad to have a drink yes.”

Elrohir winked at Elladan. “Get her some miruvor, mixed with that old dorwinion. It can burn the hairs of a horse but it should make it a bit more pleasant for her.”

His brother nodded and swiftly mixed a very stiff drink for the adeneth who tossed it back with remarkable speed, she gasped and rolled her eyes and then she grinned again. “By my grandmother’s panties, that was a real drink, you shouldn’t happen to have more now should you?”

Elladan gave her one more and the old female was smiling with an expression of bliss on her face now, her eyes distant and glazed, she was getting drunk. Elrohir smiled gently. “So, which tooth is it?”

The old one opened her mouth and the two elves staggered back, they gasped for air. They had heard of bad breath before but the smell coming from that adeneth’s mouth would have made a dragon’s morning breath smell like a meadow full of lilies and roses. It was almost a solid matter, and it made a sewer in the summer heat seem pleasant. Elrohir managed to stay put, he was turning green but smiled. “The one on the left?”

She nodded eagerly. “Yes, the only one left there, you don’t think it will make me look bad if it is gone now do you?”

The last words were a bit nervous and Elrohir shook his head. “No, I do not think it will affect your quite charming appearance at all. “

He grasped a pair of pliers from the tray on the table and leaned over the old adeneth, holding his breath. Elladan was mixing some medicine and he was very green, his eyes filled with utter disgust. There were only four teeth left in the old womans mouth so the culprit was easily spotted, a broken and blackened molar oozing puss and he cringed. Poor poor thing, that had to have been terribly painful. He got a hold of the tooth and yanked it out with just one pull, as an elf he was a heck of a lot stronger than a human and also much faster. The adeneth stared at the tooth hanging from the pliers, she blinked and then she hissed. “Good riddance, be gone evil tooth.”

Elrohir smiled and dropped the rotten tooth into a bowl, it was black and he checked the hole for any leftovers but there were none. Then he cleaned it and put some painkilling and blood stopping paste into it. All while fighting the need to retch. He even placed a stich in her jaw and praised her for being such a patient and brave one, the old adeneth was beaming with pride when she was done and Elladan slipped a bottle of the miruvor dorwinion mixture in her pocket with a wry glimpse in his eyes. She deserved it and she thanked them whole heartedly.

She was such a sweet old person but as soon as she was out of the door both twins dove towards the sink and said goodbye to their lunch. The stench still lingered there and they hung over the sink for a quarter of an hour until they managed to calm down. Elrohir sprayed the room with perfume until it almost could be seen as a mist in the air and they sat down, rolling their eyes and feeling nauseous still. “By Manwe, no more cases like that please, I cannot stand it. How can father deal with such things?”

Elrohir just rolled his eyes. “Puts mint paste into his nostrils”

Elladan gasped. “What? why didn’t you tell me of that trick until now?!”

Elrohir sighed. “Because it burns like hell until you get used to it. I tried it once, couldn’t stop crying for two hours, valar it stung!”

They had started to suspect that being a healer perhaps had its disadvantages too. And their respect for their father was constantly growing.

 

The evening was getting near and they hoped that this was it, that there would be no more patients that day, then a carriage stopped outside of the healing ward and they heard loud swearing and the sounds of someone struggling and grunts, shouts and whinnying horses. Both stared at each other. They recognized the carriage, it belonged to a small group of travelling merchants who often visited Imladris and they were welcome and very well thought of. Was anyone injured? Perhaps this would be a real job, like truly saving someone’s life.  
The door was pushed open by a young very well groomed adan who bowed respectfully for them and the two ellyn got to their feet. Three more men carried a fourth into the healing ward screaming and kicking and swearing. He obviously didn’t want to enter the room and they frowned and stared at the first adan with wide eyes. The man bowed again. “My name is Firlan, that is my grandfather Ghuren, he needs some help but he won’t let anyone near him.”

The elderly adan was fighting like a tiger and he was apparently a bit deaf for he shouted more than talked, as some people with problems with hearing do. “Get ye’r hands off of me ya maggots, nobody is touchin ma rear I am tellin’ ya.”

Elrohir swallowed. “His rear?”

He suspected the worst by now. “Aye, he had a small boil and our healer back home treated it and it was alright but it has returned and now it is worse than ever and he won’t let us help him at all.”

The old adan was muttering some words that made Elladan cover his ears, how was it possible to swear like that?!  
Elrohir felt his knees go weak, this was quite a day. “A boil, where?”

The young adan smiled almost apologetic. “Ah…between his cheeks? I am so sorry to bother you with this but he cannot sit or lay on his back and it is so painful but we have no equipment to lance it and at least you elves know how to keep things sterile.”

Elrohir was a bit proud of the praise but he was also terrified. Boils were nasty stuff and in such a place? Even more so! He took a deep breath. “I think we may have to sedate him, we cannot do anything with him struggling like that”

Firlan shook his head. “We have tried, by the gods how we have tried, but he won’t drink anything we give him, he spits it right out again.”

Elladan sighed. “How is his general condition, any fever?”

Firlan nodded. “Some, but not too bad, his general health is very good his age considered.”

Elladan cocked his head. “You do have some experience with healing?”

The young adan blushed. “Yes, I am an apprentice for the healer back home.”

The old man was screaming cursed again and Elrohir gestured to the three men holding him. “Get him onto the table there, and hold him. And by the way, strip him first.”

Elladan smiled at Firlan. “Great, then you may assist us.”

Firlan looked a bit pale but nodded and the three men got Ghuren’s pants off him and placed him face down onto the bed, one sat on his back holding him down while the two others held his legs apart. Firlan blushed again. “We had to use the same tactics back at home, to let the healer do his job.”

Elrohir was rolling his eyes, the old adan was spewing out curses so vile it was a wonder he didn’t spontaneously combust. “Get yer hands off me ya sons of dog fucking boars. Let go of me I am telling ya, I will twist yer balls around yer necks if ya don’t obey me”

Elladan took a deep breath and walked over to the bed and stared down at the problem, he gasped and bit his lower lip, a boil it was and a most impressive specimen too. It was huge! The size of a melon and it was very irritated and very sore looking and he couldn’t imagine the pain and discomfort it had to have caused. Why didn’t the man want anyone to help him with it?  
He turned to Firlan. “Why is he so stubborn? That has to be just horribly painful?”

Firlan swallowed and blushed. “Uh, my grandfather doesn’t want anyone near his rear, because he fears that it will make him…well, gay!”

Elrohir burst into laughter. “What? How can he believe that? That is just silly!”

Firlan shrugged. “Yes, it is outrageous but he is very homophobic and the very idea of a male touching his backside makes him more angry than a badger caught in a corner.”

Elladan had an almost predatory look upon his face. “Is that so? Well, now his rear is going to be touched by other males indeed.”

Firlan smirked. “The reason he is so angry now is that he thinks all elves are queer, you look so pretty and almost feminine and so he didn’t want us to go here at all. We had to tie him down in the carriage.”

The old adan uttered some incoherent words that sounded like a nasty insult, Elladan grinned and winked at him. “You know, I am no stranger to sharing pleasure with other males but rest assure that your flower is safe from me, I prefer an ass that isn’t covered in hair and boils and one that is still firm too.”

Ghuren was rolling his eyes and Firlan sighed and grasped a scarf from his pocket and gagged his own grandfather. Elladan and Elrohir was a bit shocked. “Now, let’s work in peace shall we?”

Elrohir sent him a faint smile and they did go to work, the boil had to be drained and Elladan poured a generous amount of a disinfectant over it and made sure that the area was completely clean. The two men holding the old man’s legs were struggling but they were too strong and his attempts at breaking free were futile. Elrohir had prepared some instruments and he opened the boil with a swift cut with a scalpel, immediately puss almost shot out and the stench made even the humans gasp for air and turn pale. Elladan and Elrohir had gotten used to it by now, their stomachs were empty and Elladan flushed away the puss and blood while Elrohir was cutting. Firlan was handing them the equipment they needed and before long the boil was gone and the wound stitched up. Elladan washed his hands and tried to ignore the mumbling and glaring old man who looked as if he was ready to murder them all, his grandson included. “Your healer didn’t remove all of it, that is the reason it came back.”

Firlan nodded. “I know, he was a bit sloppy, it was hard doing it with only me and one more guy to hold the old man down.”

Elrohir smeared the area with salve and it made the old adan squirm desperately, it was a disgusting job but Elrohir kept doing it a little too long, just to get his point through. He gave Firlan a bottle of ointment and some herbs that were to be boiled into tea. Firlan smirked but his eyes were filled with worry. “Getting this onto him is gonna be a real challenge, but we are many and he has to understand his own good. At least the boil is gone.”

Elrohir nodded. “Yes, but keep an eye on him, there is a chance for infection and if he gets a high fever you have to return immediately. He is after all old.”

Firlan helped the others pull the old man’s pants back up. “That he is but he is tough, and more stubborn than a dwarf!”

Elladan had to laugh. “I wouldn’t say that, dwarfs are the most stubborn creatures on Arda I am sure.”

Firlan bowed his head. “But I do thank you both, I have learned a lot from watching you and you have done an amazing job.”

The two ellyn blushed and felt a bit proud once more, it was only ruined by the fact that Ghuren once more could speak and shouted some insults at them so nasty it almost made the soles of their boots curl up.

The humans said their farewells and Elrohir sat down, sniggering. “That that old goat of a man believed that he would turn gay from being touched by another male, what a moron!”

Elladan nodded. “He couldn’t have much desire left in him anyhow, if he makes his pecker work it shouldn’t matter if the object of that desire is female or male, it will anyhow be a miracle.”

Elrohir grinned and they sat down to write down the treatment and the patient, their father was very adamant that they always wrote everything down in case the information could be useful later on.

 

It would soon be dark and both were tired and hungry and they didn’t want any more patients this day. Both sighed and stared at each other when they heard footsteps outside of the door, they let out a breath of relief when the one entering was an ellon and he didn’t seem really sick, he just walked a bit funny. Perhaps an injured foot?  
Elrohir recognized the ellon, he was a very respectable and strict noldo who was even older than their father, he had always sought to live the same way as he had in Eldamar and so he was infamous for being both pious and a bit righteous towards others. Elrond always claimed that Laitar was suffering from a “holier than thou” syndrome and the twins had both grinned and agreed.

Now the ellon did look rather bothered and he was pale, he was looking down and blinking and Elladan sensed that something was really wrong. He stared at Laitar and the ellon squirmed. “Uh, Elrond isn’t here now is he?”

Elrohir sighed. “You do very well know that he is in Lothlorien, what is the problem.”

Laitar swallowed and he didn’t sit down, but they saw his legs shivering and the twins frowned. He was sweating and twisted his hands together. “Uh, I have had a small…mishap.”

Elladan crossed his legs and leaned back in his chair. “A mishap you say, do elaborate please”

Laitar’s eyes were flickering from one side to the other, he gasped and held onto the table behind him. “Uh, I was taking a bath, and when I got out of the tub I ….slipped….and fell…”

Elrohir looked confused. “Have you broken anything? “

Laitar shook his head. “Ah, no, absolutely not, ah, I landed on…an object… and it got lodged…back there”

Elladan was fighting it, with all his might. Yeah right, that was a lie as old as the mountains, he put up his most innocent expression. “Aha, so you fell onto something that just happened to slide into your…secret?”

Laitar nodded, he looked very relieved. “Yes, it was like that, exactly like that.”

Elrohir was staring at Elladan in disbelief, he also knew what this was, but he couldn’t believe it! That pious old ellon?  
Elladan smiled, a very professional smile. “Well then, let us see what we can do with this object of yours.”

Laitar got a bit pale again. “Do you have to see? Isn’t there any medicine that can just…help it get dislodged?”

Elladan shook his head. “I am afraid not, if we gave you something like a laxative it could cause your guts to rupture if the thing won’t move, and that is fatal even for an elf. So I am afraid we have to take a look yes.”

Laitar swallowed hard. “Healers cannot speak of their cases to anyone can they?”

Elladan nodded firmly. “Of course not, they have to keep it all a secret.”

Laitar sent them a very pale grin. “Great.”

Elrohir smiled at the ellon. “Then drop your pants, spread them and bend over, you can hold onto the bed if you like”

Laitar whimpered but did what they told him to do, he stood there and looked a bit pathetic and his cool superior attitude was gone like mist for the sun. Elrohir almost choked when he took a look at the ellon’s back passage, it was clearly something lodged in there and it was rather large too. Elladan sighed and got some oil from a shelf, he put on a pair of thin gloves and had to suppress a shiver, it looked painful and he also found a strange sort of pleasure from seeing the lofty and haughty ellon so vulnerable and utterly humiliated. “Laitar, let us act like adult yes? You didn’t slip and fall onto this, unless you do decorate your bathroom floor with wooden…imitations”

Laitar moaned. “Oh Valar, yes, I lied. I…it was an accident though.”

Elrohir put up a stern face. “We don’t care what you and your lovers are doing for fun but this is serious, that thing is huge!”

Elladan smeared oil onto Laitar who gasped and shivered, the young peredhel frowned and took a look at the front of Laitar. “Uh, you are aroused? Has it lasted for long?”

Laitar let his head hang, he actually sobbed. “Yes, yes, since yesterday! I couldn’t go to Elrond with such a problem, he will never let me forget about it.”

Elrohir looked shocked. “What in Arda have you been doing?!”

Laitar gasped again. “It was a drink alright, my…friend…told me it would make me last longer…and it worked but…it has stayed hard ever since.”

Elladan rolled his eyes. “Some aphrodisiac for sure, those things can be dangerous!”

Laitar just sighed. “I know, but please, get that thing out of me!”

Elladan tried to pull at the wooden phallus but it didn’t budge and Elrohir felt himself squirm, this was more than unpleasant, since they knew the patient and it was such a very embarrassing problem. “Did you use any oil?”

Laitar shook his head. “No”

His voice was a mere squeak and Elladan sent his brother a glance filled with disbelief. “Bad idea, really bad idea. This is gonna hurt Laitar, a lot!”

Laitar lifted his head, his eyes wide with fear. “Oh no, I am afraid of pain!”

Elrohir raised an eyebrow. “Really, it doesn’t look that way?”

He nodded towards some bruises on the older ellon’s hips and some faded marks on his back that only could be a result of whipping. He also has some very piquant piercings “Ah, that is different”

Elladan had found a thin object that looked like a sort of syringe. He filled it with oil and Laitar looked as if he was about to pass out when he saw it. “Oh Valar, oh gods, no!”

Elladan petted him on his arse, grinned viciously. “Don’t worry, just relax and we will get that bothersome object out of you in no time. I am sure you can endure this.”

He started to gently push the flexible hose of the syringe into Laitar next to the huge dildo and the ellon groaned and panted. But he didn’t move and Elladan knew that he was at least brave, it had to hurt a lot but he was fast and injected a lot of oil. Laitar let out a huge sigh when he removed the syringe and then Elladan nodded at him. “And now, try to push, gently.”

Laitar tried, he rolled his eyes and pushed and Elladan grinned at his brother. “That’s right, keep going, keep going.”

Laitar groaned and then he yelled out as Elladan tried to pull at the object. “Easy, breathe, remember to breathe, keep going.”

Elrohir knew that there had to be severe swelling and that was what caused the pain, if Laitar hadn’t been so shy and gone to their father the moment he got the problem everything would have been easy to fix. He didn’t want to smile but he had to, this was hilarious. The ellon was grunting and squealing like a laboring female and Elladan was teary eyed with mirth. He gently maneuvered the object forth. “Keep pushing, yes, that’s good, a little more.”

Elrohir petted Laitar on his head. “You are doing great, nearly there, so brave”

Both the peredhil were almost unable to contain their mirth by now, Laitar was rolling his eyes and yelling again and finally Elladan was able to dislodge the object that slid forth covered in oil and other body fluids. Laitar screamed and shuddered and they saw to their disbelief that he came and spurted all over the blanket covering the bed. Elladan fought the urge to laugh hysterically, the thing had probably hindered him from getting a release and now that it was gone all of it came at once, he had never seen such amounts of liquid from one male in just one go. Laitar had sunk to his knees, shivering and sweaty and Elladan held the object between two gloved fingers with a grimace of disgust. “Congratulations, it is a …thing!”

Laitar just panted and there was no dignity left in him, he looked rather pathetic and they did feel a bit of sympathy for him. “Now, the other problem, is it still…?”

Laitar didn’t even look at Elladan. “No, it is not, it is normal.”

Elladan dropped the wooden dildo into a bowl with a large clang and he bent down next to Laitar. “Great, and for the future, remember to use oil, lots of it, and avoid…things…of such a diameter, you’ll end up hurting yourself, seriously!”

Laitar nodded, his eyes closed in shame. “I will remember that, thank you”

Elrohir gave the shivering ellon a warm cloth to clean himself with and then they helped him get up and redress. He didn’t look at them, even once. “Ah, promise you won’t tell anyone?”

Elladan nodded with his hand above his heart. “We swear, not a word!”

Elrohir did the same thing and Laitar threw them a rather sad glance before he bowed and left, he was dragging his feet along the floor. The door at the back of the room opened and one of the servants entered, she carried some fresh linen and looked curious. “What were you doing? Delivering some infant? I heard screams and panting but nobody here is pregnant now?”

That did it, Elladan and Elrohir fell onto the floor, howling with laughter and the servant stared at them with wide eyes. “My lords?”

Elladan managed to catch his breath. “Do not worry, nothing is wrong, it has just been a …very long day”

Elrohir was grasping his stomach, barely able to make any sounds at all. “Just…tell Altorno everything is fine, we did take care of every patient, every one of them, even the…less pleasant ones”

The servant looked as if she feared that the two had lost it completely but she went to deliver the message and the two cleaned up and got everything ready for the next day before they retired for the night. Both too tired to eat or bathe and quite in shock of what the job of healing really included.

Three weeks later Elrond returned and were met by his sons who almost kissed his hands in awe and respect and relief that he was back. Since they had done so well that one day Altorno had given them all the hard cases and Elrond was staring with wide eyes at the twins who were pale, thinner than before and clearly distressed. “Ada, the next time you leave please don’t make us take care of the entire ward, make Altorno do it.”

Elrond frowned. “I believed you liked being healers?”

Elladan sighed. “We do, we do but…but…yesterday we had an elfling with a diaper rash and it howled so loud I still have a ringing in my ears, and the day before that..”

Elrohir finished for him. “The day before that we had to de-worm some human kid, and I puked out my guts, or at least it felt like that and…”

Elrond just grinned widely, yes, they had learned what being a healer really was like, he grasped them and hugged them and both stared at him with confusion. “I am proud of you both sons, so very very proud of you.”

Elladan and Elrohir started to smile again, to hear their father say those words made it all worth it, well, maybe not the incident with Laitar and the dildo but the rest, definitely the rest. Elrond held his arms around their shoulders and together they walked to the dining hall, Elrond smiled at them and petted their backs. “So, care to tell me what you have been faced with.”

Both twins stared at their father with huge eyes, then they shook their heads simultaneously. “No, no way, patient healer confidentiality!”

Elrond just frowned but he realized that this was something he had to spend some time getting to the bottom of, but it was good to be home. They were almost by the dining hall when one of the apprentices came running. “Dan, Ro, come quick, there is an elleth here puking in colors I didn’t even knew existed!”

Both rolled their eyes and groaned and Elrond sniggered and gave their backs a gentle pat. “Go on sons, have fun”

They sent him a glance filled with despair and then they ran for it, yes, their father was home but from now on they would get their wish fulfilled, they would have to share the work load and rarely has a fulfilled wish been more regretted than this one.


End file.
